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The Bombshell Theory
I cannot change another person by direct action. I can only change myself, by God’s grace. Others may have a tendency to change in reaction to my
change.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7 NIV)
• I cannot change another person by direct action
• I can only change myself, by God’s grace
• Others may have a tendency to change in reaction to my change
One of the steps in a family recovery process is called the “Bombshell.” Once you begin to work on this simple theory in your life it will “blow your mind!”
As family members, we have been consumed with trying to fix or change another. All our mental energy has been placed on the person. We hope to cure them of their problem. As co-dependents, we spend more time and energy tying to change our loved one than we spend taking care of ourselves.
When the Bombshell Theory sinks in, our familiar thought patterns are challenged. As we seriously apply the truths in the Bombshell Theory to our own lives, we immediately begin to experience a healthier and more intimate relationship with God. This produces a less stressful relationship with that person. Here are the basic concepts of the Bombshell Theory:
1. I CANNOT CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON BY DIRECT ACTION
If we will pause to look back and measure the time, energy and resources we have spent trying to change others, we will have to admit what we have done has not worked.
We have spent many hours, exhausted our resources and drained our mental energy, hoping to change the lifestyle of our loved one. Not only did our best efforts fail to change them, it also made us sick. Our focus has been on them, not on ourselves. As a result, the emotional, spiritual and physical aspects of our lives have suffered greatly.
When we realize we can neither change nor control someone else by direct action, we take our first step out of co-dependency.
2. I CAN ONLY CHANGE MYSELF, BY GOD’S GRACE.
When we finally come to the conclusion that we can’t change the person, we are free to work on ourselves, the one person we can change.
We need to take our minds off the person’s problems and examine our own responsibilities. We are responsible for our reactions to the person. In the past, we were not even aware of our reactions; we were concerned only with their actions.
When our focus in life switches from the person to ourselves, we begin to see the character defects within us that God wants to deal with. At this point, we can begin to admit our own problems and through prayer, ask God to help us overcome them.
3. OTHERS HAVE A TENDENCY TO CHANGE IN REACTION TO MY CHANGE.
Over the years the reactions of the co-dependent have become predictable. The reaction of the co-dependent in the past was to try to rescue or to clean up the messes of the other person in order to avoid the shame and embarrassment to the family. The co-dependent has treated the person as a child, rather than as an adult. Their behavior may have been very childish, but it is time for them to grow up. This often takes tough love and allowing them to face consequences.
When the co-dependent makes some positive healthy changes in their own life, their reactions to the individual will also change. They will respond to the person differently than their old patterns of reaction. They will begin to let the person be responsible for themselves. That means they will have to clean up their own messes and face their own problems.
This new response, in which the person is allowed to face the reality of their condition, is absolutely necessary for the recovery of both persons involved.
Without the continuous enabling of the co-dependent, the person will find themselves in a unique situation. They have no one to take care of them. They have no one to clean up their messes or to blame for their problems.
Download
a .pdf copy of the Family Recovery Process manual.
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